A piece of my soul

Over the past few months, since roughly October last year, I’ve had to watch my sister get progressively sicker and for the first time I’m wavering in staying strong. Seeing her almost breaks me every time. I’ll be honest, it takes a lot to keep a straight face, a smile and reassure everyone that everything will be ok.

Some background is in order I guess. Last year she started getting regular sinus infections that just wouldn’t clear up, regardless of what medicines the regular doctors visits wound up being prescribed. Then she developed a kidney infection. And one Wednesday evening (if I remember correctly) she woke up with her arms and legs covered in spots and feeling incredibly weak.

She went into hospital from where she was moved to Tygerberg hospital very soon after. It was there that we found out it wasn’t actually a sinus and kidney infection, but rather a form of vasculitis caused by a very rare auto-immune disease called Wegeners Granulomatosis. We watched her get progressively worse over the course of a month as they battled to get the immune system to stop attacking her body. I won’t go into too many details but it was a very harrowing month.

As always I turned to details and knowledge: the more I know, the better I can deal with something, and so I read up everything i could. Eventually, in December she recovered to the point of being discharged. She had some (very little) kidney function and was on a strict low sodium diet but she could at least come home to us. I can’t put into words how happy we were to spend Christmas with her in our midst.

I don’t think any of us, and that includes herself, realised how tentative and fragile her body was. She stayed with us for a few days in January and I was shocked at how feeble she was, how little she ate and how quiet she had now became. Before the week was out she was back in hospital, where she still was.

Between diarrhea, septicemia and a range of other infections, we were lucky to have gotten her there in time. Where she still is, still fighting off these infections.

She’s still in ICU, so very weak and it breaks my heart. This is my sister and the thought of losing her pierces my thoughts almost constantly. Seeing pictures of her as a carefree one year old, thinking that she might not see her first nephew or just while I’m driving.

There’s a piece of my soul lying on that bed with her and I didn’t think I’d have to possibly part with it just yet.

There was a spark… and the flame would not go out

So I found myself spending most of last week on a road trip, much publicized as the #awesomeroadtrip, and today I sit here feeling like a new person. Part of it could be the week long escape from everything normal, part would be the somewhat random manner in which we attacked the road trip, another bit would be all the discoveries and self-realisations made on the journey, but the part I want to talk about is the eye-opening learning experiences of this past week.

We embarked on this crazy (vague) idea of road tripping and highlighting eco and green issues through this beautiful country of ours. Whatever our original reasons for joining in the intrepid adventure, we all came out the other side changed and much the wiser. I can only truly speak for myself, but I have to reign in the enthusiasm that was sparked in this little pilot trip of ours.

That’s right, this week long trip was originally envisaged as a pilot. A study to see what type of budget a full trip would require, seeing what gadgets are essential, which are irrelevant, would we go bonkers or just bond… The results thus far are encouraging, not to speak of the enormous support we received from the Twittersphere and beyond. It really seems as if we can do it!

I hope to continue writing at least weekly articles as a release valve for my newly acquired passion: of getting the word out that sustainability and ecological responsibility aren’t just vague green, hippy terms, but viable, sensible and obtainable goals. We can break down the ideal into small achievable chunks. Through small actions we can make a difference to people, projects and even our planet.

A few silly people that met through twitter, can embark on a far fetched idea, see things that we couldn’t imagine and make a significant difference. All that’s required of us is the determination to keep running after our leap of faith and people will follow.

The mobile blogger: a market missed?

On the behalf of a friend I’ve been doing some research for a phone with some fairly specific requirements:

• QWERTY keyboard (or a very good on screen keyboard)
• Decent camera
• Moderate screen size
• Good battery life
• Easy to use but not limiting
• Wide range of connectivity options

What surprised me was the poor range of choices available. The requirements generally point to a smartphone, but not exclusively. But maybe I should explain and qualify my list.

QWERTY keyboard

While touch screens have come a long way, on screen keyboards are still (and probably never will be) no match for a physical keyboard. Typing at any speed is simply far easier with a slide out keyboard. I’ll admit that capacitive touch screens have bridged the gap, but unless you have a huge screen like the HTC HD2, you’ll be sacrificing a lot of screen real estate. So preferably a slide out physical keyboard then.

Decent camera

What most people don’t realise is that anything above 3MP is generally a waste, a marketing ploy if you will. Especially if your target is for a blog, there is no reason to aim for higher resolutions. Important aspects are easy shooting, auto focus, decent flash and good colour reproduction. Optional extras would be touch focus, face recognition and Xenon flash.

Moderate screen size

If you’re going to be viewing web pages and typing a lot, there is no substitute for square inches. I’d say 3″+ is a minimum requirement. Colour depth shouldn’t be a problem anymore as just about all phones are at least 65K colours or better these days. Resolution wise I’d aim for 800×480 but 480×320 would suffice.

Good battery life

Pretty self-explanatory but often overlooked. If you’re going to be using 3G services and tapping away at your phone all day, that mAh rating (and the phones frugalness with power) becomes mighty important.

Easy to use

The simplest of requirements but so very important. Not all of us are technically minded and thus willing to put up minor bugs. For the majority of users it needs to work first time and doing anything should be easy and intuitive.

Wide range of connectivity options

Now this is of paramount importance. If you’re mobile, you don’t want to wait for your up/download to slowly finish. It needs to connect wherever, whenever and be lightning fast. This means bluetooth, wifi and 3G HSDPA (at least.)

This brings us back to the cell phones available that fulfill the requirements as well as those on the horizon. (Please note that I’m focusing on phones available in South Africa. ) The pickings are scarce and frankly all a bit over the hill:

The contenders are:

SE Xperia X1

The Sony Ericsson X1 while a very sturdy and powerful phone, is long past its expiry date. It would handle all the tasks well but general usability pretty much negates it as an option. The recessed screen, inability to use fingers on the screen and the outdated Windows Mobile just all count against it.

Nokia N97

The Nokia N97 is not quite as old, but lags in nearly all respects to phones available today. The only saving grace might be its ease of use. However the very same OS (S60 5th edition) that makes it user friendly (for Nokia users) still hasn’t come to grips with touch screens, making the touch screen pale in comparison. All over though it fits the bill modestly.

HTC Hero

The HTC Hero was ground breaking when it was first released and the imminent upgrade to Android 2.0 means it’s not dead yet. In most respects it would fit the requirements quite well, if only it had a slide out key board.

Apple iPhone 3GS

The ever popular Apple iPhone 3GS is also up there as a contender and ease of use is definitely a characteristic. However high price, poor camera and slow connectivity count against it. Of the contenders however it is the only phone with a capacitive touch screen and a decent on screen keyboard.

My conclusion however is that while all of these phones would make a fair job of serving a mobile blogger, none would do it with distinction. Recommending any single option for a mobile blogger becomes a question of personal preference. There are a few that could be available soon that seem to fulfil the requirements slightly better, but still I can’t help but wonder if a certain segment is being missed: the blending point between simplicity, power user (QWERTY) and touch screens. FYI here are the imminent possibilities:

The Sony Ericsson X2 while based on the same hardware as the X1, has had a redesign and it appears to be succesful. A flush screen with better battery life and updated OS are major improvements. But I have to ask if the slower than average CPU and mediocre camera won’t be its undoing.

HTC Legend

The HTC Legend is the spiritual successor to the ever popular Hero and comes with two vital upgrades: capacitive touch screen and better camera. The Android OS (ver 2.1) should make the most of the relatively older underlying hardware. Still no keyboard…

Motorola Milestone

The Motorola Milestone is somewhat of a dark horse and a mystery at once. Not available in SA and no word on if it ever will be. However, considering the popularity of the Droid abroad and the fact that it fulfills all the requirements with ease, it would be a shame if we had to pass on this contender. I really hope our mobile operators take a close look at bringing this phone in.

I would love to hear your feedback on these phones (or any others that I missed) or if you think I’m simply being too pedantic in this regard.

A time to remember

I’ve often stated that my mind likes to drift off and play with thoughts and ideas while I’m driving and today was no different, with a small exception… When I stopped and parked my car, I realised that all these ideas I have, the little thought experiments, are quickly forgotten as soon as I leave my car.

I’m not stating that they’re all incredibly genial, newsworthy or even worth remembering, but shouldn’t I give them more time to blossom (and wither if that was their fate?) To this end, I’ve resolved to keep a notebook in my car, dedicated to recording these fleeting thoughts before I focus on anything else. Who knows, somewhere between the far fetched and the unreachable dreams might lie a great idea that would otherwise have disappeared into the void.

New adventures

A few months ago I was let into the wild idea of a friend, Pinkhairgirl, which I have watched slowly germinate into a full-fledged project: ART or more precisely the Awesome Road Trip. For more details I suggest you go visit the web site, but in short the idea is to take to the road and explore South Africa. Emphasis will be placed on community projects, eco & green initiatives, technology and communication, parenting and how all these subjects tie up in our diverse and culturally rich country.

We hope to use all forms of media available to us: video, books, photography, blogging, twitter, etc. to reach as large an audience as possible to get the stories we encounter out there. Stories of entrepreneurial communities, of people trying to give back, of ecological consciences and anything else we can’t help but share. We’d like to highlight the penetration (or lack thereof) of technology in our country and how it inhibits the sharing of stories. We want to investigate new technologies and ideas, from the simplistic to the grandiose, and how they could help improve the lives of our citizens.

In an effort to gauge how crazy our idea is, we’re embarking on a pilot trip of sorts. A week long road trip to gather as much information as possible and seeing how viable the venture is. And this is where I find myself now: in a week and a bit, I’ll be departing Cape Town and travelling by convoy with such a varied and interesting group of friends (plus two piglets ) on a road trip to Port Elizabeth via the beautiful Garden Route.

As excited as I am, I’ll admit to being somewhat apprehensive… Just going off into the unknown isn’t my usual way of doing things. But with my very creative companions, I feel sure that whatever shape our road trip takes, it will be a blast. And hopefully by the end of the trip, we’ll have enough material to convince people to let us do this for the entire country, i.e. a whole series!

We are still deciding which projects and places to include on this adventure, so if you have any suggestions, please drop me a line or leave a comment.

Let’s play pretend

I don’t know if you recall the series that aired on MNet a few years ago, The Pretender, but I remember watching it religiously each week. Briefly, the story dealt with a genius, Jarod, that escaped “The Centre” in search of his true identity. You can read the whole premise, etc. here.

Jarod was so gifted that he could walk into any job, any position, and pass himself off as the real deal. The perfect pretender.

And this is what I like to do while driving or doing some other mundane task. I imagine myself in countless other positions and situations, I concoct entire stories in my mind complete with conversations and even politics. Anything might set it off… I’d see a businessman crossing the street and place myself in his shoes, ascending the elevator to the top floor for a high powered board meeting. Or a news story heard on the radio could make me the reporter, desperately trying to make a name for myself.

My favourite is staring off into the night sky and seeing myself as an asteroid miner, barely keeping my hunk-a-junk spaceship from leaking but entirely the master of my own domain.

Call it daydreaming, but I like to believe that had my life taken any number of different turns, these could be alternate realities of me… Out there are infinite possible versions of me and my story and my pretend lets me (temporarily) bridge that dimensional gap.

To sleep, perchance to dream

As per usual this post has been building in my mind for a few days and (at last) I have time to write it down. My unusual nocturnal habits and highly irregular sleeping patterns are no great secret, but I doubt few people grasp the reasons behind it.

What finally set the ball rolling on this post however was a chance comment: “I wish I didn’t need as much sleep, think of what I could get done in those extra hours every night!” My first reaction was of course, yes, I do get so much more done in a day as a result of sleeping on average 4 hours a night. But please don’t think it’s by choice.

It’s not that I don’t want to sleep or don’t have to sleep either, it really is a question of often not being able to fall asleep. The only reason why I’m not a blathering idiot the next day is because I’m so used to it by now. I really have adapted to getting by on those few hours. (During which I sleep like the dead by the way…)

You see, when people normally go to sleep, most simply drift off, some faster than others, not so for me. I have often tried to force myself to sleep by pure sensory deprivation. Around 4:30 am, after hours of lying like that, I often simply give up.  Most nights I don’t as much fall asleep, as pass out from pure exhaustion, typically from skipping the previous night’s sleep. Avoiding stimulants (even my beloved coffee), all kinds of remedies, different locations… none of these have helped.

The problem lies in that most of the time, my mind simply won’t shut up. As soon as I manage to banish one thought from my mind, the next has already stealthily managed to strike up a party. Any distractions will draw my full attention. In short, regardless of how tired I feel, my mind doesn’t know how to go into hibernation…

I’m not complaining really. I *do* manage to get so much more done in a day and I have learnt to live with it. I honestly don’t feel tired or less aware for not getting my RDA of 8 hours. It is sometimes problematic in a relationship, but I’ve even learnt to manage that. What does concern me is the potential long term effects. How does this affect my health, my longevity? Can I function (even) better if I use e.g. medical methods to force some extra hours into me, even though I’d rather never go that route?

As a final thought, a side effect of this perpetual inability to sleep, I seem to have lost my dreams, or at least the ability to recall them. When I do remember it I refer to it, jokingly, as my annual dream. I think it’s quite likely that i do dream but simply don’t recall any of it. Any mentions of strange dreams others have had, always sets of a wistful pang, a sense that I’m missing out on something basically human.

Well, here ends my rambling rant… one less thing to roll around in my head tonight as I try to catch the evasive sandman.

And I’ve never been so alive

Today was as close to a perfect Sunday as you get… a brilliant day to spend on the beach or at some chill bar overlooking this beautiful cape with friends.  But alas, I got to spend it indoors studying. It wasn’t fun knowing that everyone else got to enjoy it while I had to stay put, but I kept reminding myself that it was a choice I made when I started my studies. It’s a discomfort and increased effort now for a reward later.

But I have an assignment due tomorrow, a fairly huge one, and I’m nowhere near done. It’s going to be another all-nighter, not that skipping sleep specifically bothers me. Also, I want to make it clear, that it’s not through procrastination that I’m in this predicament: I only received my textbook last Saturday. Again I’m not complaining, I chose this knowing full well the demands it would make of me.

It also doesn’t help that I got myself involved in some additional projects, one of which that require me to get all my studies done before the second half of March. Once again, this is just temporary.

The actual reason for this post is just to share the one thing that helps me keep my sanity: music. It pervades my life and it’s the one thing I can always trust in. Specifically, my playlist turned up this song first thing this morning and I could not help but start singing along. It truly is one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite bands.

Third Eye Blind – Motorcycle Driveby

Read

Motorcycle Drive By Lyrics

here.

Over-extended

Just recently, I have to confess to feeling a little stretched. Not that I mind that much really, I prefer being busy to twiddling my thumbs, looking for something to occupy my mind… But I have to wonder if I’ve bitten off a little more than I can chew.

You see I’m currently working full time, studying a fairly full course load towards my degree and at last count I have four projects I’m working on in my spare time! It’s really just as well I only average about four hours sleep a night or I don’t know how I’d manage. Add in time for reading and some socialising and there’s not much free time left.

Now it’s probably not on purpose, and some of these projects have been mulling around in my mind for a while, but I have to wonder how convenient it is that I have no free time… Am I subconsciously trying to prevent myself from getting involved? Am I doing it consciously?

Then again I still believe that if I happen to meet the woman that steals my heart, my priorities will rearrange to make it happen.  But it feels good to not have that as a primary focus in my life.

Lessons learnt

So far 2010 has been filled to the brim with new and unusual experiences, with a smattering of Déjà vu thrown in. And from this mix I think I have gleaned a few important lessons, some of which I’m shocked that it took me this long to learn.

1. Be honest and up front. Avoiding that difficult conversation just leads to a more difficult (and heartbreaking) confrontation. Some things in life just can’t be sugar coated.
2. You can’t be friends with your sub-ordinates. This does not mean you can’t be friendly and polite, but ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ definitely applies. Be accommodating but never let them think they can loaf around and you’ll let it slide.
3. I love reading. (This isn’t a new lesson but rather a rediscovered pleasure…)
4. There is a difference between being cautious and being scared. Look before you leap, but jump at the chances life presents you… it might not be there when you look again.
5. I’m happy on my own. This is not to say I shun human contact, but this is probably the most important thing I could ever hope to teach anyone else. If you can’t be happy on your own, you have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever finding true happiness with anyone.
6. Everybody’s different. Silly thing to say, but I’m constantly amazed at the variety of personalities out there. Often I have to stop and put myself in someone else’s shoes and remind myself they don’t think like I do.
7. Life is now. Plan for tomorrow, prepare and be patient for that which you work for but never lose sight of today.

Of course learning the lessons is no guarantee that I won’t make more of the same mistakes, I can only hope to make them with less regularity.